Shadows and Mirrors

I wake up and as I get up and walk around the mirror greets me. Most days it is not a greeting that I want. The reflection it shows me has many flaws and things I would like to change. So I try to change these things and I go outside were on a clear day my shadow greets me. This greeting is much more pleasant to my eyes. I go for a run and when I finish and head back to my house with the sun behind me my shadow is there telling me good job. I see broad shoulders and a body slightly taller then mine, or is it just mine stretched out a bit? I don't know but it is a great sight. I head back inside and my shadow waves farewell. And who is there to great me non other than the mirror and my reflection the ever present reminder that I am still not where I want to be.
Makes a man realize why Peter Pan so desperately wanted to find his shadow.

Some one let me in a movie?

So life works in funny ways. Just the other day I posted about how easily distracted I  am when it comes to what I want to do with my life. I mentioned I had watched Chuck and then looked into acting, even sent in for a couple extra calls that I never heard back about. Well just a few days later I took another chance and sent in for another one that I saw posted. Only this time someone responded and told me when and where to show up. At first I was like cool I get to do this, that was immediately followed by terror and the realization that I had NO idea what i was doing or what to do when I showed up. I called my friend Chad in a panic as I drove to the set asking him "What do I do?" and "What is going to happen?". He laughed at me a little bit and calmed me down and gave me a good idea of what was going to happen. Sure enough aside from a few small details my friend was correct. I spent a lot of time in a room off set waiting for when they would need us extras. I got to meet an amazing group of people and have a lot of fun.

This chance and those people helped me want to try and see if I am any good at this acting thing again. I have signed up for and took an intro to acting class with a local casting agent. I even responded to another call for extras and again someone fell victim to saying I am allowed to be in their movie. Oh how life twists and turns, love it.

To Fit

This past weekend I made one of my friends rent "Lincoln", I say made because he really didn't want to watch it at all, but before it even ended he was telling me what a great choice I had made. It was a very well made movie and enjoyable to watch. Some where towards the last half of the movie there is a clip that really got me thinking on some interesting thoughts.
Lincoln is in the telegraph room deciding on what message to send down to Gen. Grant in regards to some C.S.A. representatives. In the room with him are two other men, one the telegraph operator the other we find out is an engineer. Lincoln asks the operator a question that was something of the affect of "Are we put into the time that we are made for?" the operator responds "I don't know about me but you are sir." Lincoln looks to the engineer and asks him as well. The engineer responds by letting us know he is an engineer and that he seems to have some of the right pieces but maybe not the exact right fit.
Today I was looking at some music videos on YouTube and ran across people auditioning for shows like X-Factor Australia that were singing songs that I was looking for. In one of these the young lady was very nervous, had dropped out of school and was pursuing a dream. The judges seemed a bit weary especially after she said what song she was going to sing. Yet once that first note came out of her mouth they were all taken aback and ready to cheer thing nervous young lady on.
These videos made me start wondering why moments like those really get to us (the audience), I mean you see people crying they are so moved. What is it about that moment that makes that happen? I think I found that answer in the movie "Lincoln". In these amazing moments with those singers we the audience get to see someone that found the moment they fit into perfectly. You hear them sing and KNOW that they were made for that. Just as the operator said to Abe, I don't know about me but you sir do fit into the moment you are apart of.
I don't say all of this from the point of view of a person that knows exactly how and where they fit in, I share this thought as a person still desperately trying to figure that out for myself. I watch that movie and enjoy those songs but it makes some part of me long so badly to show everyone how I fit perfectly in some place or another, but alas that part has no true voice to me yet so all it can do is grunt and tug at me as I try to make sense of it all.
If you feel this same tug send me a message I can share with you the way to try and start making more sense what is trying to be told to you.

Oh Chuck Me

So obviously I am really bad at this whole blogging consistently thing but I guess that fits my life, I start with one thing then I get distracted then run off and forget about the first thing until a few weeks later when someone mentions something that me remember the first thing. Everyone clear on all that? Yeah clear as mud huh.
That kind of line of thought really does describe me over the last few months. I was blogging in January then I got all of the seasons of Chuck and watched them all the way through. Once I finished that I really wanted to see if I had any skill at acting, so I looked into a few things talked to some friends in the biz and had some photos taken. I even sent in a few applications for some gigs as an extra (never heard back on any of them). I didn't find an agent or anything. I got back into work and let the acting thing take a back seat.
As the months rolled on I was kind of all over the place with what I wanted to do. Then I planned a trip to see my best friend in Nebraska. Saved some money to afford the trip. It had been nearly 3 years since I had seen him last. This trip sparked some old ideas about being involved with church as a youth pastor or involved in christian camps. So I have started looking into that area again.
Also the company I work for is building a store in the town my parents live in so also on the back burner is whether I should look into transferring down there or not. It isn't a town I really want to go to but family is there.
Who knows what shinny thing will come around and change my focus next. Hopefully it will be a good one that fits me and lets me feel like I am doing something with my life.

Can I make their Legacy live?

I didn't really know loss of family members until I was in my mid 20s. In part I think that made me very lucky not to have known loss at a young age, but I also think it made it hard for me to truly know how to act when it finally came around. The first truly close family member I lost was my Grandpa (my mother's father). He always was and always will be Grandpa, just Grandpa. My other Grandfather was Grandpa Willis that was how I distinguished between them as a child, but Grandpa had first claim to it and it was his to keep always. Grandpa was a great man, not perfect by any means but he was a great man. He had full body arthritis for the entirety of the time I knew him, which slowly and painfully took away a body that was made to play and excel at sports. Yet he was given a heart that would push him through and a mind that could solve just about anything. He couldn't lift his hands above his head but he could play catch and throw a perfect spiral with a football. Vice grips were his best friend anytime he was build or fixing anything. He LOVED my Grandma and he was a good ol' boy in this. He could make jokes and what not around the guys but that was not to be brought in front of his wife, you were to have manners. 50 years they shared together....that is unheard of these days. He held on as long as he possibly could spending over half his life in pain, but finally that heart which pushed him through soo many things finally gave out on him. That left us with a huge hole in our family that we have tried so very hard to mend, but never to cover up or forget lest we forget the legacy he left in us.

While still healing we were hit yet again with the loss of my cousin Brian. He was the one of us that truly exemplified Family. My Uncle and Brian's mother were never married so he instantly became part of two families, both of which cherished him. It went further though, both of his parents did get married and he was now a part of four families, all of which loved him. He to had a huge heart that had to push his body. Brian was diagnosed with Diabetes at a young age (he was also lactose intolerant which always made for fun eating adventures) but he looked perfectly healthy as a young boy even into his early 20s. He was my ninja cousin, and as little as I got to hang out with him I really looked up to him and loved. He was a black belt in Tea Kwon Do by the time I even knew he was in it and I wanted to be one also. He had a whole room of trophies and medals. I was in awe when I saw all of them, Just after he hit his 20s my family moved and I saw even less of him, but I understand now that there were a lot of choices made that his body would pay for later. He made it out of that stage of his life with a very weakened body, but not a weakened heart. He would surround himself with family and love until just like Grandpa his heart finally gave out. This time it hurt even more, because it was out of order. The young aren't supposed to be buried by the old, kids aren't supposed to go before their parents. Many people didn't know how to handle it all. There were hurt feeling and cracks in the family, all of which tore me up because of all the people in the family he loved family the most being endeared to four different ones.

Hopefully we have all come to a place where we can live out the Legacy of these two great men of our family and be loving, wise and creative and hopefully let their legacy (known or not) spread to those who never even knew these guys.

That time of year

So it is that time of year where we should be thankful for family, friends and life...but it seems that the world doesn't get that so I am going to at least do my part in being thankful even if everything isn't perfect.
I know I have moved around a lot over the last few years, but looking back I see that I was in some good places even though I didn't think so at times.
First I ran back to AZ after I graduated from college with no plan and ended up staying with my grandparents for two years, who also had moved back around the same time. This was interesting and I am soo thankful that they let me in and helped me out so much, but even more so that it just happened that way, because when grandpa had heart issues and ended up in and out of the hospital I was there. Of everyone I think me and grandma were the two that can remember exactly the last conversations we got to have with him. He came back from a hospital stay and came in and we talked about how the nurses had to keep checking his catheters which were in a private area so he tried to be modest and cover himself when they did, but they seemed unfazed and was finally like "well ok if they don't care I don't care". This made me laugh really hard. That said I am so very grateful that I even had the opportunity.

I then left again and went to Arkansas to take a position at a non-profit camp for at risk youth in Little Rock. This time is still a bit confusing for me, but I know I learned a lot about myself and just new ways to think about things. It was hard and really tested me and in the end I think I ultimately fail because I left the position after some very intense circumstances. I think that came does wonderful things and has wonderful people involved with it and I hope that in my 6 months I helped make a difference for at least one kid. So while still confused and unclear on this one it did lead to my next one.
After leaving Arkansas I had no where to really go back to so I went back to where my parents are in Oklahoma a state I have never really had the desire to live in but that is how things go. I am thankful for this though because my mother recently got really sick and went to the hospital where they had to do emergency surgery. She almost died. If I had been somewhere else I probably would have had a much harder time getting down to where my parents live. My first visit mom was sedated and really had no idea I was there but it was really hard on my dad and I am glad I could be there for him. My second visit (Thanksgiving) mom was back in the hospital, but was awake the whole time and she knew I was there so it was nice to be there for her this time as well as my dad and sister.
So even though a lot of this is because of very sad things I am very glad at this point that I have been where I have been and thankful for my family, friends and life. 

Musings from college or something like it

Jesus

Though was nailed to a cross by men to blind to see and to deaf to hear, He was about and beyond it. His being surpassed this figure of two boards layed over each other. His glory and awesomeness is not justified by words spoken or written, it is even to great to be caught by even the biggest imagination. Though He was pierced by thorns, nails and a spear by men so weak and feeble His strength outshined the strongest redwood. His strength can't even be matched by superman. Though hungry and tempted for many days by one who needs no mention, the Lords will was that of the strongest armor ever made, adn in this He shined for and glorified His father who like His son never asked to much but always gave generously. Great is their legacy, but even greater is thier promise that even though we can't compare in glory, strength or will we may one day share in those with them in glorious harmony for the rest of eternity.

The Cross

A cross but not only a cross. A sign of lose and victory. A place of shame and fame. A symbol of great disgrace and great honor. Jesus was nailed upon such a cross so that he all the He had ever said would be disgraced, and shame anyone who had followed Him and believed the word He taught. What those who put Him there didn't know that His followers being truely taught by the son of God did know is that through that action they earned a great victory in the war against sin and death. Upon crucifing Him, a famous figure and not the shameful heap of man they wanted Him to be viewed as, Jesus became the greatest "celebrity". This cross, which for so many years had been so feared and ran away from became more than a cross, it became a symbol of a great victory and a symbol for many people who followed, follow and will follow Jesus to unit under.

That Guy

 There he was towards the end of his life a bitter, worn out old man, thinking about life and what it could have been. He now realizes how many times he thought a decision was going to be so big and affect his life so much ended up doing nothing for him and he also saw all those decisions he made without thinking and how much of a lasting impact they still have on his life. With that on his mind he wonders how thing could have been different if he could go back and change this or that, could he have been famous or rich or maybe happy, that thought has tormented him in his dreams for most of the last 15 years. His mind drifts to high school and college where the world was just waiting to open up for him and all things were possibilities for him. He was a good student, good at sports and decent with musical intraments, infact he was good at most anything he tried to do and there inturn was his down fall. Being a teenage boy good at anything he picked up led him to never really having to push himself at a young age which inturn led to him almost never pushing himself as an adult. Signs of this are seen all around his house where you can see many musical intraments that had not been played in years so long infact he probably forgot how to play them, there is also every kind of sporting equipment packed away in his closests some things on the verge of breaking the next time they are moved. Looking at this stuff he wonders if he could have been truly great at anyone of those things, because being a good student had gotten him through college with a degree even if his GPA had been pretty low and that degree which is now covered in dust had never really gotten him anywhere in life not even a decent job. With that thought he sit back down now sure that it had always been himself that sabatouged his life and any changes he wished he could make would still have lead him to this same spot in life, old bitter and and extremely wornout....